6pm.net

A copy of this song plays in the room as Vladimir Putin stares down the barrel of a loss in Russia to the Ukraine. As the lyrics wash over him like broken glass in a fresh wound, and the voice gets in his ear like a set of fingernails on a chalkboard – listening to the twangy, fake country boy vocal stylings of Luke Combs makes a total loss to Ukraine seem “okay” after all. He plays “When it Rains it Pours” a few more times and he’s good to go. Ready to surrender or die. Either one is fine but dying is preferable in case they decide to torture him with MORE Luke Combs songs in prison. 

He puts on some songs by Toby Keith, and listens to “I Wanna Talk About Me” and “How Do You Like Me Now” and all the other self-serving songs BY Toby Keith that are ABOUT Toby Keith, and then as his will to live plummets to zero, he takes out a handgun and blows out his brains. 

Here’s a Life Hack for people on Death Row. When it’s your time, have them play practically any song by Luke Combs in your cell for a few hours before it’s time to fire up the Chair. You’ll be raring to go by the time you’re strapped in. 

If I have cancer I want this in my room, over and over, THIS song. His voice hurts my ears, it’s improbably twangy, and the melody is repetitive and tortures my senses. I’ll be gone quickly and feel grateful. “When it Rains It Pours” by Luke Combs. Probably third in a series of songs that saps my will to live.